Yup, sometimes life feels pretty sucky

Just want to warn y’all right now, I fear that this may become one of those “my life sucks and now you all feel bad for me” type posts. I hope not but things do feel like they’re taking a shitty turn right now so we may end up there. Sorry in advance.

Well, now that that’s over for now, hello! How is everyone doing today? Have you had a good week? I hope so. The days are getting noticeably longer (thank goodness!) and Spring is coming, although it’s coming slowly. I has been a long and challenging week complete with some unpleasantness, so I guess I’ll get started.

As of right this minute, house buying is on hold again. It looks like possibly we won’t be able to do it. It feels like that sentence maybe should end in “ever” even. My very kind and patient mortgage girl tells me that my file is bamboozling her system again (did I tell you all this already? I can’t remember. If so, sorry. Here it comes again with more description and less hope. Sorry again.) Last time this happened she and her boss looked it over and came to the conclusion that it was my credit score, that it wasn’t quite high enough, although it seemed it should have been about good enough. Back to the drawing board. I cashed out my retirement from my old job and spent a piece of that on paying off another old credit card bill (yay!) and put a collections account into payments. I gave it about six weeks to show up and asked her to check again. Joy! Success! It’s high enough! Moving forward! Sent in some stuff to her including tax forms, pay stubs, bank statements. And then we waited. And in a few days she tells me that it’s still not working and she doesn’t know why. Credit score is fine, debt-to-income ratio is fine. Everything seems okay, but it’s not. The only thing she can think of is that it’s income-to-housing ratio. Basically, too much of my income would have to go to the mortgage and the lenders don’t like it. And there appears to be nothing that can be done about it. If I got another job (as if I could anyways!) to supplement my income, they wouldn’t count it because you need 2 years of history to show for stability. If we had someone move in with us and pay rent, we couldn’t count it as income because FHA doesn’t allow boarders. If that person has shitty credit, they can’t cosign. The way I read it I cannot buy a house because I do not make enough money and there is nothing I can do about it. This means that when we are forced to leave the house we are renting (because it is being torn down) and have to find somewhere else, and the rent is higher than a mortgage payment would have been, no one will care. I can work myself to death to pay for someone else’s mortgage but I do not make enough money to get one of my own. Although I am still actively looking for a new, higher paying job, I’m already 2 years behind in being able to use it to buy a house. And no, the new higher paying jobs are not knocking down the door right now. I have racked my brain for ways around this and sent a couple of suggestions to the mortgage girl but I don’t really have a ton of hope for them either. I am somewhat despairing about the housing situation.

This housing thing leads to other issues. (My entire life generally feels like a ton of things all poised and ready, waiting on something else. It’s exhausting.) In the kids department, we are moving forward in the home check process. We have had social workers over to make sure the kids are safe and healthy but we haven’t had an official Home Check yet. It’s something that was sort of moving slow because if we were moving, it would be better to wait and have our new house checked since it would have to be checked anyways, and that way we would only have to do one. Also, the house we are in is not ideal and we don’t really want to spend a ton of money in making it perfect when it’s just going to get torn down anyway. But here we are, not buying and not moving, so we’re going to have to get this place checked. The Home Check process is long and complicated and I am not looking forward to it. I already am not super enthused about the judging of the house we already go through and to have more is just not something I want to do here. When we moved in we have 2 people and one cat, no children, and a large storage shed. The second bedroom was used for storage as needed and the one bathroom was enough. Now the shed is gone, the bedroom is a bedroom, there are 2 small children, an extra cat, a dog and six chickens all living in the same space. Yes, the chickens are moving out. No, they haven’t yet. We’ve had some pretty important child-raising things going on and building stuff is not easy when there are small kids and bad weather and bad health and lack of funds and all of that. Besides that point, the house is not well suited to as much as we’re putting it through (trust me, one bathroom is no longer enough!) It was enough house for what we planned but not enough for what we got. So we want to move. But we can’t. And here we go. I am so sick of all of it that I want to scream. All I want is to pay for my own house, not someone else’s. I want my work on improving the place to be for a reason and it’s not.

In other, related news, the house is always, on some level, a mess. I stand by the belief that you cannot have this many beings (as well as frequently a grandma and another uncle) live in a 1000ish square foot house and have perfect cleanliness and tidiness. If you can, you’re a better person than me. I do the best I can, the Carlos does the best he can, we all try, but it will always look not perfect. And on some days it looks downright disastrous. And on those days, if you have luck like I have lately, a social worker comes on an unannounced visit. She takes one look at the place and believe the children should be removed immediately. Yeah, that happened. We had a meeting last week where it was decided that we need more help, we need to get the place figured out, we need to put the baby in daycare, we need to fix our issues or they’re taking the kids. So we are building a new storage shed (there seems to be more concern about the safety of all the stuff around rather than the chickens at this point.) We are trying to train ourselves to keep the place cleaner (I am not a tidy person by nature. I’m just not. I sometimes remember fondly the times when the only person that cared was my dad, not the state.) We’re starting the baby (ok, she’ll be 2 in a little over a week but she’s still a baby!) in daycare next week, which we are not huge fans of. They say that if she’s in daycare we can keep the place looking nicer and keep up with projects better. I’m sure that’s true, I just hope it’s really good enough. And we’re talking about what we think we need to do to perfect the rest of the place for the home check because that’s moving and we’re not. Add to that that the bigger kid and I are butting heads more and worse than ever, he doesn’t want to go to school, the little one still doesn’t want to sleep in her crib, I’m not sure how much longer my job will last and all the other things, I am a bit overwhelmed. A bit.

I do not want to get all melancholy on you all again like I have in the past (despite the disclaimer at the beginning of the post!) I’ll just suffice to say that my life is not going as I planned and I am not handling it very well at the moment. I spend a lot of my time very upset. I feel like everyone is happier when I’m not around and that I would be happier by myself. I don’t know that either of those things are true, and I don’t intend to find out by testing, but there they are. My feelings. Bleh.

I am seeing a counselor tonight. Everyone (and I mean almost literally every one of the people I have talked to for months, including friends and acquaintances on Facebook, Monty’s counselor, at least 2 people in the front office and the counselor at his school, my mom and sister, everyone) thinks I should find someone to talk to about all of my stuff so I did. I am super nervous about it. Is that normal? I’ve never had a therapist or counselor of my own (although I have been known to dump my problems on everyone from Monty’s counselor to co-workers to strangers at the grocery store, so maybe I’ve been craving that?) I also know myself well enough to be concerned that if I don’t like her I may feel bad about not going back and may still go even if I don’t like it. Luckily, my mom knows me pretty well and will make sure I don’t do that. I’m keeping an open mind about it even though the counselor already wasn’t listening to me when I made the appointment. I’m not going to judge her on that because I’m sure she was busy and also I’m probably looking for excuses not to go.

In slightly brighter (and admittedly totally not related) news, I finished a book today about the magic of tidying up and how it can change your life. I think I want to try her methods and maybe it’ll be awesome. I’ll try to tell you more about it next week, and I do plan to review the book itself on my other blog.

If any of you were wondering about my Facebook post yesterday about one little thing pointing out how shitty things are sometimes and everything going downhill, it really was a little thing, but it hit me hard. Trek is hiring Seasonal Naturalists (as they do this time every year.) One of the places we were talking about moving to was Eatonville and I had hoped to maybe go back on a limited basis. Seeing the job posting just sort of rubbed my face in the fact that we’re not moving. Again.

I think that’s it for now. I hope to have different and better news by next week, or at least to feel less shitty about it by then. In the meantime, thank you again for being here and being supportive. I really appreciate it. Have a good one.


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