Warning: you are about to enter the super random wanderings of my mind as I do something my family calls “swivetting,” and I generally call fixating.
Today is Thursday. It’s Blog Day. It’s the day I post a blog. I have done this every Thursday since this blog started. It has only been 2 posts so far, but if you break the habit when it’s a young habit, will it ever have the chance to grow up into a real habit?
So blog. Do it. Post something. Anything. Wait, no. Don’t just blog crap just or the sake of blogging something. If you do that then the blog becomes all about doing it for the sake of doing it, not because you have anything worthwhile to say. That’s not what this is about, is it? If it is you should just buy a diary or a journal or something. No one wants to read you “because I feel I need to and it’s good for me” crappy blog.
So blog something worthwhile. Something worth your time. Something inspiring. Don’t blog crap; blog good stuff. What to blog. What to blog. What do I feel like talking about today? Think think think. Think. I got nothing. That’s kinda scary right there. Nothing to talk about, nothing to say. Who cares? Is anybody reading this anyway? Does it matter? Is this for them or for me? Go back to previous “crappy blog” thoughts.
Maybe start something and you’ll be inspired? Nope. Hasn’t happened yet.
Now commence with feeling crappy about yourself. Now your just crying for attention. “Look at me, I made a blog. Look at me, I quit my job. Look at me, I have nothing to say but feel the need to say it anyway. Look at me, stating that I feel crappy about myself, hoping that someone will tell me not to and then I won’t have to anymore.” Yup. That just happened.
External validation. This is a topic I can go on about for a while and no doubt will in the future. In my case, it comes across as a need to please people, a desperate fear of disappointing them, and the need to feel I’m getting “permission.” I catch myself at it all the time, stating my plans to my mother or my significant other or my boss or my friends, saying what I’m going to do as though I’ll do it regardless of what they think, but in reality I’m looking for something from them. Permission. Validation. Great idea, good idea, nice, awesome, good for you, go for it. In truth, will I do it anyway? Probably, but I will look for my validation elsewhere. Or again. “Hey, I’m going to go buy someone a gift.” No answer. “I think it’s a great plan for a gift.” Still nothing. Repeat again, wanting to believe that they didn’t hear. Keep pushing and looking for validation. For permission. Even an “ok” or “yeah, good idea” is enough. If I don’t get what I need I get angry. Huffy. No one cares what I do. Or they don’t agree that it’s a good idea. Or they don’t listen. I am really kind of like an addict, and my drug is validation. I want it all the time, I don’t think I can function without it. If I don’t get it, I get angry, upset, nervous, jumpy. If I do, I immediately try to come up with my next fix.
Wow. That ended up deeper than I thought it would. I never wrote that down before. Now I feel kinda raw. And drained. And honest.