This week I discovered that my dream had been crushed. That is a slightly overdramatic way to put it, but bear with me a moment.
I have been working at a wonderful place for over three years now. I enjoy my time there and I believe that the work I do is important. If it weren’t for the fact that I (and everyone else in the same position) am held at strictly part-time status, I think I could possibly call this a career, quit my other two jobs, settle in and stay forever. Really. It’s actually that great a place.
At the end of last year it came about that there would be a rare and special opportunity to go full time at this magical place. One of the full-timers was leaving (sad story but for a beautiful reason) and would need to be replaced. I ached with excitement for the chance. I worked on my resume, let other people read and critique it, which I hate more than anything, and turned it in. Early even, not on the day it was due. And then I waited. And waited. And heard that 50 other people had applied. I lost some hope but still wished and dreamed and manifested my best destiny and hoped some more. I also thought I came to terms with the possibility that one of those other 50 people would end up more qualified than me. Thought I did.
This week the news came that I am not moving on to the next round of consideration. No hate for anyone, no feelings of being thrown under the bus, nothing like that. The way the choosing is done is through a scoring rubric and my scores were not high enough to get me an interview. And that’s OK. Really. It is. Didn’t hurt at all. Totally prepared for that as an answer……..
OK, not so much. Not at all really. The thing is, when you have something that you know you want to do, and you work towards it, and you strive and plan and wish, and you tell yourself you’re ready to hear either answer, you’re wrong. You think you can take it but you can’t. At least not at first. Even when the explanation makes perfect sense, and you kinda half expected it, you feel awful. Why am I not good enough? What did I do wrong? What should I have done instead? How can I be so upset but not actually mad at anyone? And the big one: What am I going to do now?
In this case, apparently you start a blog. Or at least I do. I’ve been meaning to for a while and it feels very much like a turning point moment in my life, so why not map where it goes now? Why not start here and write about where I’m headed, once I figure out where that is? Why not make a place where I can force myself to face reality and discuss it, share it, get it off my chest and move on? Why not make a spot where I can describe my new plans for my new dreams and explain any problems and keep everyone up to date with where I’m going?
So I did. Here it is. Time for a new dream, time to start a blog and time to try something new and different. Plans? Sure. Big plans? Yup. Hard work? Of course. What’s next? Good question.
Welcome to my map.