Update and a really bad cover letter

Hey y’all. Just thought I’d drop in and give an update. I apologize for not being here for a while but when it feels like all is going wrong, why would you want to blog about it? I really don’t want to talk about everything right now, but I’ll give a quick run-down:

In March we were informed that the planned tear-down of the house we were renting was moving forward and we had 60 days to get out. The next day I put an offer on a house. We went through the process of buying a house, inspection, appraisal, working on the house on our own time and expense to try to get it to pass (that last part is definitely not normal…) moving in with the hope of it working out. It failed its first inspection both because of issues and because the comparable properties were not comparable enough. We worked on fixing the problems, but ultimately it didn’t mean anything because the comps were still not good enough. That was 6 weeks into our 8 weeks of time to move. And then the house foreclosed and the new guy wouldn’t let us stay, so we had to move stuff back out. And then out of the rental and into storage. I am now staying with my parents (thanks Mom and Dad and Jay!) Carlos is sleeping in his truck and spending his days still putting stuff in storage (seriously, if we had a place to put it, we have almost everything we need to build ourselves a house!) The cats are with me, the dog was with April (thanx April!) and is now with Mindy (and thanx to you!) The chickens are split up, with the grown up and the ducks living it up with Natassia (you know what I’m going to say here…) and Dora and the “little” ones with Mary (and to you!) We’re having a hard time finding somewhere to live because the market is absolutely shitballs crazy.

And then….

Last week we were informed that the powers that be have decided to close my shop and me and the other 12 people who work here will be laid off. In a month. So, yeah. Now I am functionally homeless (not actually homeless, thanx again to the fam) and on the verge of being unemployed. So, yeah. That’s where we are. So, I have to find a new job, and I have been searching, and I found one I like. I really really like it. I want to so bad I can’t think straight. But, as always, applying sucks really bad. If there is one thing I hate more than resumes, it’s cover letters. And I had a mind block all week about writing one. So I decided to write just the dumbest and least professional one I could, so I could get it out of the way and move on. And then I decided to share it here because, you know, blog. So here it is, the dumbest cover letter ever, with the intent of uncovering the better one I am sure I have hidden somewhere deep deep (deep) inside my brain. Enjoy!

 

Dear sir or madam,

Thank you so much for your consideration of my attributes in relation to the job you have posted. And thank you also for giving me a chance to talk you into hiring me. I will gladly do so.

I am an excellent candidate for the position of Extension Agent. I would love the position in Gallatin County especially, but would be ecstatic with any of the positions posted. Please see my attached resume and other documents, and may I please bring your attention to the following high points in particular:

  • Bachelor of Science degree from the Evergreen State College in Washington. At Evergreen, we employ a different way of studying any subject. My Environmental Studies degree encompasses coursework in Ecology, Land Use Management, Evolution and Biology, among other things.
  • Extensive 4-H background. I was in 4-H showing dogs for close to 5 years, and I adored it all so much. I went to State every year in Public Speaking and showed well in other aspects of the program as well. My public speaking experience in particular has stood me in good stead ever since, and will be invaluable for me in this position.
  • My passion and my dream is to farm. I want to have my own small farm where my fiancé and I can grow and care for all our own food (or at least as close as possible!) To this end, I do hours of research on a regular basis about aspects of food production and agriculture. To be in a position where I can do even more research and share what I know and learn more about it all, and help others, would be the most bestest career ever. Seriously.
  • I am an excellent multi-tasker and very good at accepting responsibilities. I am not quite as good at delegating, but I am working on improving that. Multiple deadlines, varied levels of importance, keeping up on both short- and long-term projects are all things I am very good at.
  • My written communication skills are top-notch, if I do say so myself.
  • Oh my gosh, helping diverse groups. Like, can I just start by saying how important diversity is, and go from there? I have been involved at various levels with the Highline College English Second Language department for years. This program, which is the second largest in the state of Washington, helps thousands of refugees and immigrants every year with learning English, finding jobs and housing and acclimating to their new home. Highline is in the most culturally diverse area in the country (there are more countries of origin in the school district than any other district) and the ESL program sees so so many of them. It has been an honor to work there and help so many diverse people to improve their lives.
  • Can I use computer to spread the word about whatever? I sure can! I have been writing a blog for about 3 years, I can search and research with the best of them, and I write a wicked awesome Powerpoint, just for fun!

Seriously, I am the best possible candidate for this job. I have had a strange dream for years of dropping everything and moving to Montana (no joke! And no, I am not sure why.) and with my current situation in Washington-have you heard about our housing prices?!?!-now would be the perfect time. Please hire me, or at least have me come talk about myself for you. I am even better at that in person than I am through a cover letter, which I seriously hate. Thank you so much for your time.

Actually, I am not done yet. Can we talk about my human relations skills? My ability to work with others? Super great. I get along with all the people most of the time. My judgment tends to be quite good, as long as I don’t listen to the doubters too much. Flexibility?!? Are you kidding me right now? I am functionally homeless and I will be unemployed in 7 weeks. Have I curled up in a ball and given up and cried? Hell no. I just keep on trucking, knowing that it will turn around. (OK, so I did cry some, but that’s to be expected!) Flexibility is kinda my middle name to be honest! I am also definitely innovative. I can make and do and fix and fabricate and create and deal with all the things. Plan doesn’t work? Boom. New plan. I can’t think of anything that works to describe that that also doesn’t make me look flakey right now, but trust me, there are things. I can obviously communicate quite well in writing, and like I said, just wait until you hear me do it verbally. It’s insane! And again, diversity is the whole point of everything. I mean, if we were all the same, how boring would that be?

Looking at the job description, my mom actually said it sounded like y’all talked to me first. Nights and weekends? Cool. Travel around the county? I’d love to. And any position that warns that it requires extensive reading is, well, made for me. Seriously. Bring it on. I’ll admit, I do not have any grant writing experience, but I can definitely figure it out. I do have pretty good conflict resolution skills, and I’m talking about more than just bursting into tears to make people stop yelling. And can we talk about the Master’s degree thing? Are you serious that if I get this job I am REQUIRED to go back to school and get my Master’s? Is this for real? I mean, wow. If I could come up with a legitimate reason or way of paying for it, I would have my Master’s now. I guess that it being a requirement of the position counts as a legitimate reason, right? Can I please please do that?

In conclusion, please pretty please can I have this job? I will be the most bestest Extension Agent Montana has ever seen. I mean, I don’t think I’d actually kill for this job, but if it was a guarantee that I would get it, I would consider doing so. Please, for the love of God, hire me and let me bring my chickens and ducks and dog and cats and fiance to Montana. Anything to make the cat stop peeing on my bed is great, but if it’s a position that actually exists and I can support us all, that would be even better. Thank you so much for your kind consideration.

What do you think? Would you hire me? If they don’t WILL you please hire me? I want to thank everyone again for your kind words and thoughts and encouragement. It really does help a huge amount.